Insomnia
Sometimes when you can't sleep all you can do is think.
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“You didn’t love her. you just didn’t want to be alone or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life but you didn’t love her because you don’t destroy the person that you love.”
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Sometimes I do sit here and think of the realest shit ever…completely honest questions and answers to myself and I consider posting them because maybe it can help somebody else. Then I think about it and I conclude not to post anything. Why? Because, who cares, who cares enough to know it. I don’t know anybody that would want those thoughts so I leave it alone and keep it to myself. It’s not a bad thing…its just something I know to do.
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I brave the world of dating and relationships for a few reasons. One very specific reason came to light when I really analyzed why I want a man. I want a set of arms to seek refuge from the world sometimes. I can manage fine in this messed up life but sometimes I want a place to go that is completely safe, somewhere I can escape. To be wrapped in the arms of somebody you love and feeling that nothing in the world can hurt you is a specific feeling that I long to obtain. The search drags on…there are so many reasons why I may never find it. Too many are unreliable, emotionally unavailable, not willing, untrustworthy and with so many factors, how can one possible find this refuge in somebody if the chances are so few and the risks are so high. We learn to live without that refuge and life bears down on us…without somebody to share the trial. We learn to do it alone and forget we can find somebody willing and able to share life’s trials with.
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It’s true…life moves quickly but some feelings will never change. Some memories are suppose to leave remnants of emotion, that assures that there were things worth experiencing that could never be lost. It can be a curse or a blessing depending on how you perceive it.
